How to Disappear

  DEDICATION

  For anyone who has ever felt left out

  or overlooked or not good enough

  CONTENTS

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Acknowledgments

  Resources

  Back Ad

  About the Author

  Books by Sharon Huss Roat

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  1

  STANDING BY MY LOCKER, I can already feel the sweat circles forming on my T-shirt. Nobody can see that, I assure myself. Not through the enormous sweater I’m wearing, or beneath my nearly impenetrable wall-o-hair.

  Still, I pull the drab-yellow knit away from my armpits. My mother took one look at me this morning and managed not to mention what she was probably thinking—that I won’t win any popularity contests dressed like a giant blob of Dijon mustard.

  Instead, she joked, “Are you in there?” and kind of paused while spreading the Grey Poupon on my sandwich, her eyes flitting between the jar and my sweater.

  She’s subtle like that.

  And I’m perfectly aware this is not my best color. It doesn’t make my hazel eyes “pop” or help me stand out in the crowd. In fact, this particular shade of brownish-yellow is a perfect complement to both my hair and the painted-block walls of our school. Which is exactly why I’m wearing it. If the dare I’m about to attempt goes badly, I’ll be able to blend into my surroundings and disappear before anyone notices.

  My best friend, Jenna, is making me do this. We were Face-Timing last night from our respective bedrooms, mine in its usual place, and hers in the very far away state of Wisconsin, where she now lives. Her mom got a really good job there, so their family moved in mid-August, a couple of weeks before the start of our sophomore year.

  “I’m worried about you,” she said.

  I leaned out of view, so all she could see was my cat, named Kat, curled into a tabby fuzz ball on the bed.

  “It’s been two months.” Jenna put her face extra close to the screen and whispered, “Have you spoken to anyone in two months?”

  “I speak to you,” I said.

  “A real person.”

  “You’re not a real person?”

  “You know what I mean.” She tipped her phone sideways and propped it on a dresser, giving me a panoramic view of her new bedroom, which I hated on principle. “A real live person. Not your parents. And teachers don’t count.”

  I tried to think of the last time I spoke to someone at school, aside from mumbling “sorry” when I got bumped into or whispering “bless you” when the kid next to me sneezed. For pretty much as long as I can remember, Jenna has been the only person I ever really talk to. When it comes to communicating with anyone else, she has always spoken for both of us. Even if someone directs their question to me. I hesitate, and she jumps in to answer. It’s just the way we are. Like how I always tied her shoes for her. I was better at it, so she never really learned. Now she just buys shoes that buckle or zip or slip on.

  And I don’t talk.

  “All you have to do is say hi,” said Jenna. “That’s how we became friends, isn’t it? You said hi and the rest is history.”

  “I was five,” I said. “I didn’t know any better.”

  She laughed. “So, pretend you’re five again. You’re sitting cross-legged in the grass chewing on a Popsicle stick when a girl with tragically unfortunate bangs walks out of the house across the street. She looks like somebody cut her hair with a machete. Say hi to the poor thing.”

  I sighed. “It’s not that easy. You know how I am.”

  Her face filled the screen again. “I know exactly how you are. That’s why you need to do this. Or you’ll spend the rest of high school alone and miserable. Hiding in the bathroom, probably.”

  She did know me.

  So I promised to say hi to somebody at school today. And the somebody I’ve selected as recipient of my greeting is Hallie Bryce. Her locker is right next to mine, which regularly puts her within earshot of whatever sound I can force from my vocal cords. I won’t have to go out of my way or approach anyone.

  I clear my throat to make sure it’s still working, and that’s when I spot Hallie’s gloriously perfect dancer bun gliding down the hall toward me. Immediately, my pulse is pounding in my ears.

  She reaches her locker and squats down to enter the combination. It’s not really a squat, though, what she’s doing. The proper term is grand plié, which I learned from her Instagram, which is composed entirely of ballet photos. (Mostly of herself on pointe in various locations where you wouldn’t normally find a ballerina. In a tree. On the beach. Against a backdrop of urban decay.) I don’t “follow” follow her. As in, I haven’t clicked on the follow button or anything. I’m more of a lurk-in-the-shadows kind of girl. Not in any creepy way—in more of an admiring-from-afar, “I wish I could be like this” sort of way.

  So, here she is plié-squatting right next to me, and all I have to do is say that one tiny word to fulfill my mission. I’m not even asking myself for a full-on “Hello” or anything insane like “How are you?”

  Just “Hi.”

  Hallie glances up at me then. One of her beautifully curved eyebrows arches high on her forehead. She’s waiting. Because I’m staring. I know I am, but I can’t seem to stop, or move, or otherwise behave like a normal person. Her brows pull together in a V-shape and her head tilts slightly to the side.

  “Did you say something?” She knows I haven’t said anything. She’s just being nice.

  I throw my eyes to the floor. Forget saying hi. It’s all I can do not to hyperventilate.

  She sighs, stands, clicks her locker shut, and pirouettes down the hall. Okay, maybe she just walks, but in that ballerina way of hers—toes pointed, feet turned out. I watch her go, exhaling the tightness from my chest. There’s a moment of relief as my fear subsides, but it’s quickly replaced by a feeling I like to call “I suck.”

  One simple thing. That’s all I had to do.

  I drag my gaze to the interior of my locker, to the photo of me and Jenna taped on the back wall. We are standing arm in arm. I’m wearing her pink camisole dress that was too tight but she insisted fit me perfectly, and we’re smiling with all our teeth.

  I touch the picture, because it helps. I don’t know why. Only seven hours to go, and I’ll be on the bus home, texting her. I’ll confess my failure, but she’ll still be my friend. She told me so when she moved away, that we won’t let the distance come between us. We’ll finish high school. Graduate. Go to college together. Be roommates. Just like we’ve always planned.

  I close my locker and head toward my first class, concentrating on not tripping or getting slammed by a backpack or poked in the eye with a drumstick. The latter is a realistic threat, because Adrian Ahn is walking in front of
me, twirling actual drumsticks.

  Adrian is the official rock star of Edgar H. Richardson High School. He’s in a band called East 48. They’re good, like mosh-pit-diving-fans-screaming-their-heads-off good. Not that I’ve seen them in person, but they post videos on YouTube. He’s part Korean and dyes his long hair a darkish red color. Today he’s got it twisted into a messy knot with a pencil poked through it. Nobody else could pull that off, but Adrian looks amazing.

  My eyes are glued to his man-bun (not buns, though they are certainly worth gluing one’s eyes to). I’m wondering what would happen if I yanked that pencil out of his hair when he suddenly spins around, throwing a stick in the air as he does a 360 on one heel. I come to an abrupt halt so as not to crash into him, but the kid walking next to me doesn’t. He knocks right into Adrian and pushes him away from the drumstick that is currently soaring through the air . . .

  Right for my face. My hand shoots up to grab it.

  “Whoa!” Adrian says, regaining his balance. “Good catch.”

  I blink at the drumstick clutched in my outstretched hand. OMG, I caught Adrian Ahn’s drumstick. And he’s speaking to me. This is my chance to talk to somebody. Somebody who spoke to me first!

  “Hi!” I blurt. It’s the only thing I can think to say, I guess because I spent the morning rehearsing it and working up the nerve to say it to Hallie, but I know immediately it’s the wrong thing.

  So, of course, I say it again.

  “Hi!”

  Adrian laughs. “Hi to you, too.”

  We’re stopped in the middle of the hall. Kids jostle me as they step around us.

  “Can I, uh . . . get that back?” Adrian tips his chin toward the drumstick in my hand—which I am still holding up in the air like the Statue of Liberty. I quickly push the stick to his chest.

  “I, uh . . . yes. Here’s your drumstick. I caught it. Self-defense, of course, totally. You could put an eye out with that thing. But here you go. All yours now. Happy to be of service.” Oh my God. Happy to be of service? Did I actually say that out loud? The word-spew is an occasional side effect of never speaking to anyone. It’s like my brain stores up every ridiculous thought I’ve ever had and then projectile vomits it all over the place.

  To make matters worse, I cap it off with a cheerful, “Go forth and prosper!”

  Adrian laughs again. “You too, Spock.”

  I decline to clarify that I wasn’t quoting the Vulcan, who actually said, “Live long and prosper,” because my brain has thankfully gone into complete lockdown and we are swept away in the throng of students.

  This is why you can’t have nice things, Vicky. Like friends. Or conversations.

  Instead of continuing to my world history class, I duck into the nearest girls’ bathroom, trying to tamp down a sudden wave of nausea. I don’t succeed and heave into the toilet, holding my hair back with one hand and steadying myself on the toilet roll dispenser with the other.

  One of the girls I dashed past on my way in says “Ew” and scurries out. I flush and stare into the toilet bowl, which is now clear and filling with water.

  A knock on the stall door startles me. I turn to see a pair of red Converse high-tops on the other side, the yin-yang symbol Sharpied onto their rubber toes. I love that symbol. Jenna and I first discovered it the summer before seventh grade and adopted it as our own secret code. We doodled it everywhere, signed notes with it. We downloaded a custom emoji so we could text it to each other. We even got temporary tattoos of it once and swore we’d get real ones when we were old enough.

  The wearer of the yin-yang Converse says, “You okay in there?”

  “Fine!” I call out. Too loud. Why am I shouting?

  “You sure?” the girl says.

  “Yes,” I whisper. Too quiet now. I sound like a freak. I wasn’t always this bad, or maybe I was and didn’t realize it until Jenna left. It’s like walking on a balance beam while someone’s holding your hand and you’re perfectly fine until they suddenly let go and you can’t move.

  The girl in the red Converse hesitates before pivoting and heading out. I wipe my mouth with toilet paper and flush again. It’s too late to get to class on time, so I take a disinfecting wipe from my backpack (I always have a supply on hand) and clean the toilet seat where I’ll be spending the next period. The bell hasn’t rung yet, but it will any second, and the thought of rushing into class after the bell makes me want to hurl again.

  Being late for class is very high on my list of stupid everyday stuff that now terrifies me, aka the Terror List. It’s a mental list I’ve been keeping since the beginning of the year. I add to it whenever something makes me nervous or embarrassed or want to disappear. The list is long enough now that it’s become a sort of game for me to remember everything on it, like trying to name all fifty states. It includes:

  Starting conversations

  Walking into class late

  Making eye contact

  Assigned seating

  Having to choose my own seat

  Saying something stupid

  Getting called on in class

  Finishing a test first

  Finishing a test last

  Group projects

  Individual presentations

  The cafeteria

  Eating in front of people

  Gym class

  Sneezing in public

  I can now add “Catching drumsticks” to the list. Also, “Not catching drumsticks.” Either way, that was going to be humiliating.

  After going through the list, I take out my history book. I’ve discovered that it is big enough to span the width of the toilet seat and provide a slightly less disgusting surface to sit on. I use all of first period to study for my precalc test, which is next period, and also thankfully means I won’t have to talk to anybody. I can put my head down and just do the work.

  That’s pretty much how I spend the rest of the day. Head down. Going to class. Doing the work. I pay attention enough but not too much, so I can escape notice by teachers who only have time to deal with the slackers and the scholars. My sweet spot is that inconspicuous in-between.

  The final bell rings at 3:50, which is an hour and a half later than last year since our school switched to a new schedule that’s supposed to match the natural sleep cycles of teenagers (according to studies and the fact that everybody was sleeping through first period). By 3:57 I’m on the bus and slinking into my usual seat (the one over the hump of the tire where nobody else ever wants to sit). I pull out my phone to text Jenna.

  You there?

  You’ll never believe what happened today.

  She doesn’t answer right away. Her day ends about ten minutes after mine even though we live two time zones apart, because her school still starts at the crack of dawn. I check her Instagram while I wait for her to get to her bus and see my text, but there’s nothing new since the kissy-face selfie she posted last night.

  I embarrassed myself spectacularly today.

  You probably heard people laughing all the way in Wisconsin.

  Still no reply. I scroll through her Instagram feed, which is like a glossary of facial expressions. Yesterday was a wink. The day before was wide-eyed surprise. She started her account when she moved to Wisconsin, as a way of staying in touch with me. Now she’s got more than a hundred followers, and likes from complete strangers.

  I narrow my eyes at the interlopers and go back to texting.

  Ugh. I really shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house.

  It would be better for everyone.

  Maybe I could claim I have one of those diseases that require you to be raised inside an airtight bubble.

  Like the girl in that book. Avoid all contact with the outside world. Online contact only. No cute guys showing up outside my window, either. (Which would never happen to me anyway let’s be honest.)

  I’m prepared to continue babbling about my future in containment when I finally see her thought bubble pop up.

  . . .

  S
he’s alive!

  OMG, what happened?

  It’s humiliating.

  Tell me.

  Promise you won’t laugh?

  I won’t laugh.

  I can almost imagine her saying it, leaning her shoulder against mine on the bus seat, huddling in close to listen. Texting is not the same; it never will be. But at least she’s there. I exhale the stress knotting my shoulders and recount the story of my failed attempt to say hi to Hallie Bryce, in excruciating detail.

  Hallie thinks I’m a complete idiot now.

  No she doesn’t.

  Yeah, I’m pretty sure she does.

  She’s not like that. She’s super nice.

  Even nice people know an idiot when they see one. Plus that’s not even the worst part.

  I take a deep breath and text out the catastrophe of Adrian and the drumsticks. The word vomit. The Statue of Liberty. The going forth and prospering. When I’m finished, Jenna’s “. . .” bubble pops up, but it’s taking forever for her message to come through. Probably because she’s laughing so hard she can’t type. Or maybe she’s trying to find a nice way to tell me I am, indeed, an idiot. Finally:

  Okay, that was actually awesome and hilarious.

  Are you high?

  No, I’m serious. Adrian probably thinks you’re funny, as in FUN.

  I don’t think so.

  You caught his drumsticks! That’s so cool.

  I told him to GO FORTH AND PROSPER.

  I know! Brilliant.

  Are you kidding me?

  I’m serious. You’re so funny!

  She assures me it was funny in a good way, as in clever and witty. Not funny in an everyone-is-laughing-at-you way. I am not convinced. Sometimes I don’t think she realizes how hard it is for me to do all the talking for myself, to step into her shoes. The shoes I no longer tie for her. But she coaxes me down from the ledge of “I suck” until I am standing on the slightly more solid ground of “maybe it’s not as bad as I think.”

  Even better, she takes my mind off my own troubles by drawing me in to her world, which is way more interesting than mine.

  These kids in the back of the bus keep looking at me.

  Boy kids or girl kids?

  One guy. Two girls.

  Looking at you how? Good or bad?